Brain Detritus

what's rattling around in there

I hate it when I catch feelings.


Perfect movies

↳ What Dreams May Come (1998)

Thank you for every kindness. Thank you for our children. For the first time I saw them. Thank you for being someone I was always proud to be with. For your guts, for your sweetness. For how you always looked, for how I always wanted to touch you. God, you were my life. I apologize for everytime I ever failed you. Especially this one…

This is it. This is the post that finally made me sob like a baby for a person I never knew. I know this probably isn’t one of the best movies he ever made, but this movie meant so much to me. He meant so much to me as an actor and as a person who brought joy to so many people when he was hurting so much on the inside.

I don’t know what happens after this life, if anything. But I hope that if anything, it’s a little like this. That maybe we create our heaven from the things and people we loved. Wherever he is, I hope he finds peace and love, and rest.

And since I can’t put a “read more” on a photo post, please just know that what follows is intensely personal and possibly triggering. If I knew how to put it under a cut, I would.

And I think maybe he saved my life that day. I’m going through one of the worst depressive episodes of my entire life right now. Absolute honest truth, I was getting ready to take my own life when I read of his passing. I had everything ready and I had my letters all written. I still do. It wasn’t just a plan. It was a plan that I narrowly avoided executing because of the news of his passing.

Hearing that news stopped me in my tracks. For some reason it made me really stop and think about whether I was actually done. He accomplished so much in his relatively short life and meant so much to so many people, but there’s no question he had so much left in him. Make no mistake, I am not in any way judging the fact that his life was taken by depression. Because that’s what killed him. He may have physically taken the measures to end his life, but depression was his cause of death.

And I understand. It’s so fucking hard to fight. It’s impossible to reach out sometimes. And I love y’all for posting resources and hotlines but sometimes (a lot of times) it’s so far beyond that. I was so far beyond that. I still am, I think. It’s just that hearing about his suicide gave me pause for long enough to consider whether I was making the right decision. I decided that day that maybe I could do one more day. And every day when I wake up and I wish I were dead, I make the decision that I can make it for one more day. I hope I can keep doing that.

And if you think suicide is selfish, or stupid, or giving up, or anything like that, all I have to say is that you’ve never experienced true depression, and also you can go fuck yourself because it is next to impossible to live with constant depression. I pay tribute to anyone who has lost that fight, and I hope they’ve all found rest and peace. 

I hope I win this fight, but if I don’t, I hope my friends and the people I love will understand how hard I tried.

(via stut--ter)

I really kind of hate being drunk because it makes me introspective and there’s this one ex I totes screwed over (you know who you are) and I wish I hadn’t and I miss her but it’s WAY too late for all that and WOW I think it’s time for me to sleep now so goodnight y’all.

Come to Iowa it;s awesome

Is it still good if I’m gay though? Because I’m super gay. And also basically a nun, unfortunately. My sister about died today when I told her how long I’d been celibate. 

Like, do you know how shit it is to live in Texas. Don’t ever move here. Unless you’re moving to Austin, just don’t. And even then think really hard about whether you want to do that. Texas is the worst, especially if you’re a woman and like to have rights and stuff.

Also I want to move to the Pacific Northwest so maybe one of these days I’ll get my shit together and do it. Idk.

When I was in high school, hearing someone tell me I was “so smart” was a compliment. It made me feel good about myself. It made me think I could go out in the world and accomplish things.

As I’ve gotten older, it’s changed. It’s gone from a compliment to an indictment of my character.

You’re so smart - why didn’t you finish college?

You’re so smart - why can’t you find a better job?

You’re so smart - why can’t you keep a good job?

You’re so smart - why can’t you take care of yourself?

You’re so smart - why do your relationships always end so badly?

And it hurts. Basically my occupation is the family disappointment. I’m the oldest of all of my siblings and cousins and my life is currently shit. I see them all getting married and having careers and having children (not that I want kids, but still) and I feel like my life has been a waste. 

And the thing is, I try. I really do. I can’t count the number of times I’ve been knocked down and gotten back up. It’s become so much a way of life for me that I don’t even get that upset anymore. And I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Probably bad since I’ve become resigned to the idea that good things don’t last, but hey, at least I get back up.


Music Video: Pentatonix - “Run to You”

Their first video for an original song.

ugh, just fuck everything. brb gonna go sleep for ten million years.

hey, so here’s a little advice that absolutely no one but myself probably needs: if you’re emotionally compromised and basically done with everything, maybe don’t listen to the most depressing music you can find

Still here. That’s about all I have to say about life right now. Sorry to everyone who was so supportive about the last thing I posted for not responding, and for not replying to messages yet. I appreciate y’all. 



how to make friends

(via stut--ter)



Can never reblog this too much

Shouldn’t we all care more about the rockhopper penguin?

(via catyuy)

So I know there are some of you who think I’m kind of a drama queen and that I get upset about things way too easily and that’s fine. If that descriptor fits you, you may want to just skip this one.

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